Sensitivity, Rituals and Journaling...

So the other night I come home from my second job, having worked all day and night.  My knees weak and feet sore from the dancing, the only thing I wanted to do was land in front of my altar and enter the timeless stream of consciousness before dreamtime.  I walk into my temple to strangely find my meditation altar in the middle of the room, another table flipped upside down, and the sri murthi, pearls and crystals strewn across the floor like they had been thrown. So after a few scenarios flipped through my mind, of which I shall spare you the workings, I realized that there was a new cable running through my room and that it was likely the cable guy's handy work.  I laughed with relief, because, better the cable guy than a gnarly little grey, right?  Thats fun though too...

I decided it deserved a cleansing anyway, so I upgraded the table and cleaned it up real nice like.  I meandered into the basement looking for a large frame for the sri murthi and in the midst of my digging, I found some old boxes with my name on them.  Magnetically and logically so, I found myself sifting through them, these nostalgic reminders of my childhood.  Apparently, I was into time-capsulating my experiences as a little one because I found some old diaries, notes, poetry and stories I had written, beginning most coherently from the 3rd grade all that way up to my junior year in high school.  Third grade was the year my grandmother, who took care of me most of the time, died.  She was a key player in co-sculpting this personality construct.  I sat with all of these memories attached to objects and words until 3am.  I dont remember much of my life before 3rd grade anyway, so that time has yet to reveal its goods to me, but I am assured that I will uncover the deepest of that me when the timing is right and I am ready to re-member.

Anyhow, I pieced together some portions of my personality and how I came to be this Aluna character and did some deep processing.  The first year, I wrote at the end and beginning of every entry "It was a very good day" which I found to be particularly endearing.  In 1996, I wrote a lot about my brother and I am thrilled to see how expressive I was about my emotions.  I wrote in detail about how those experiences felt rather than the mental mechanics that later would take over my entries.  At one point, a very powerful moment, I was connecting deeply with that child and consoling her as she wrote.  She (I) was writing 'I can't forgive him!' over and over for an entire page.  Simultaneously I was deeply releasing and what came with that were tears and a monsoon of emotion.  Lo and behold, I turn the page and ... god I love how timeless we are!  I turn the page and in 1997, my brother had found and read my diary and everything I had written about him.  He, as if speaking directly to me now, wrote Sarah, Please forgive me.  I'm sorry for everything I did to you and anything I will do to you.  And then he drew this picture of me with a beard.  Hahaha....

It continues to be serendipitous and a profound recovery of those portions of myself.  Furthermore, I was later reading over some indian rituals that Sri Amma Bhagavan advise to invoke certain states of awareness.  One of them was actually to clean, arrange and decorate the altar, which is said to invoke a state of super sensitivity.  Let me tell you, since that night I have been a walking water park, crying about everything... I'm a beautiful mess!  I love it!

A few other things I was extremely pleased to read were the stories and the messages therein.  It seems I was highly concerned with the state of "Momma Nature" and suggested that we change everything we do so we can "save her".  I was also aspiring to be "the worlds most graceful dancer" and "to receive the highest education ever!"  This was before I decided that I wanted to live in a Winnebago and travel the world in it.  And these are all still extremely valid.

The point of this long entry, if there is one, is that my reality has reflected to me so many times that writing is healing and it holds and carries much power.  What I observed as the years read on is that I have maintained a softness. This experience allowed me to see in a very real way just how malleable this personality construct truly is.  Of course, there is a shadow side to that recognition, because it can suggest that I am impressionable.  But it also powerfully suggests that I have the ability to shape myself into anything I desire to be.  I'm absolutely certain that this ability is not unique to me, but to all of us.  So what will I do with all of this from this point forward (backward, upward and downward)?  Well, I'll let my story continue to flower and empower me.  It has rekindled my love for writing to myself daily and I encourage you to begin the archiving of yourself as well, whether through written word (handwritten is most powerful in my opinion), video logs, etc.  This is 2011 and it seems there is little time left in the Kali Yuga... These are our stories people!!!  At some point, I realize we will all let go of them, but it is an ancient mystic truth that journaling stores power and it seems also that these are the most powerful times of our lives, of our humanity...  I intend to re-member it ALL.

bowing in the luminosity of your glow...
aLuna